We have all had a relationship break down at some point in our lives. Specifically, I’m talking about a marriage, life-partnership, common law relationship, where lives are intertwined. As such, each person has committed and invested their lives to the other, in hopes that this

Carole Blackburn - Life and Wellness Coach

Self-Discovery – After a Relationship Ends

We have all had a relationship break down at some point in our lives. Specifically, I’m talking about a marriage, life-partnership, common law relationship, where lives are intertwined. As such, each person has committed and invested their lives to the other, in hopes that this one would be the one to withstand the odds of divorce or separation.

Aspects of Life in a Relationship

Relationship breakdown, no matter what the circumstances are, is difficult to navigate through. Overall, there is so much to consider such as children, finances, personal property, real estate, family relationships… and so on. Initially, the biggest hurdle, I would have to say, is coping with living without the other person. In particular, how we cope emotionally, mentally and even spiritually, not just in the physical aspect.

Back in 2010 when my ex-husband and I had divorced. It was obviously a difficult time. To begin with, we had been together for twelve years. Also, we created a life together. We had two children together. In general, we did all the things that couples who are in a committed relationship did together. For example, we bought a home, traveled, and shared memories. Years went by. While growing into this partnership, I changed some things about myself to accommodate and adapt to my life partner. Our lives were tethered together. As a result, I lost myself in our relationship along the way. It’s easy to recognize that now.

Making Sacrifices

Like any relationship, sometimes there are sacrifices that have to be made. For instance, you moved to a new city because your partner relocated, or had an opportunity that was too good to pass up. Perhaps you put a personal important goal on hold because buying a new home took priority. Also, deciding when to have children could mean personal sacrifices. The list can go on.

Reprogramming Life After A Relationship Ends

Initially, when the decision was made to start the process of separating, it was like peeling back layers of an onion. Bit by bit, we started to untether ourselves from each other.  As such, I discovered just how connected we were in every aspect. Overall, I became so used to how things were together. In time, I lost sight of who I was as an individual before I entered the relationship. Albeit, it’s not a bad thing. But it was an eye opener. As as result, I had to rediscover who I was all over again. Just me. Not someone who was in a partnership. In short, this was now all about me.

During the initial stages of starting over, and laying the foundation of building a new life, I had to get used to making all the decisions alone. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a pretty smart person. I was raised to be independent and responsible. But I spent twelve years consulting with someone else. Suddenly, I was left to make all the life decisions alone. It takes some getting used to. During that time, along with raising two kids, I also had to adapt to being alone. It’s one thing to be busy working, raising kids, running errands, managing schedules. But it’s a whole new ball game when the night hits. The house is quiet after putting the kids to bed. It was just me… and my thoughts. And yes, the loneliness was often unbearable.


What I really had to do was invest in my own personal well-being. I had to sit those nights alone, and press through some tough thoughts. Feel the emotions of a marriage breakdown. Dig deep to accept that this is where I am now. Sort through the adjustment period. I went through the hard stages of separating myself emotionally from someone I loved. Over time, I had to learn to not continuously run the “how did this happen” over and over in my head. Ultimately, I think facing all of my fears of failure, and the depths of anger and resentment, were the things that crippled me the most. Meanwhile, I had to put my best effort into my career. Most importantly, I had to be the best mom to my two young kids. Lots on the plate.

Life Changing Steps

Quite frankly, I didn’t really enjoy the person that I was. And what could I do about that? Well, make some changes and rediscover who I am. Here are some important life changing steps I took to reach the woman waiting to be rediscovered.

  • First, I made the decision that dating was not a priority for me at that time. Moreover, I needed to take care of my children and myself emotionally, before adding another person into the mix. Then, I had to heal from my wounds. Next, I wanted to meet the right person with my heart open, and a clear vision of what I wanted from a new relationship. Learning to live with myself was opening the door. I leaned to love who I am, and the new journey I was on.
  • Making sure my children were well adapted and thriving was also a priority. Clearly, this was an adjustment for them too, even though they were little. We spent lots of quality time together with family and friends. Fortunately, that just showed them, and myself, just how loved we all were.
  • Taking care of myself both physically and emotionally was vital in all of this too. Consequently, when we invest in our own personal development, we then become much better able to take care of those around us. Therefore, I focused on physical activity on a regular basis. Also, I ensured we ate nutritious meals whenever possible. In short, creating and purposefully engaging in a healthy living lifestyle, offers balance and meaningful self-improvement.
  • Another important and most crucial step I needed to take, was to love myself again. First, I had to really dig in and get a handle on the negative self-talk. Then, turn negativity into life-giving, positive, truths. Finally, that changed my entire outlook on life. Ultimately, I became happy again. As a result, I took what was a major life-changing circumstance, and turned it into brand new journey. This amazing person inside me was waiting to emerge.

A New Life Begins

Through the pain, through the hard work that goes into starting over, comes a new chapter in the game of life. This was the time to really take what I had in front of me, and rediscover who I am, and who I was meant to be.

Be confident in who you are. Love yourself. Accept that when pain hits us, we have the ability to move forward. Discover a new life. Starts by getting to know who you are, and all you have to offer to this world, and to yourself.

If you have had difficulty reconnecting with yourself after a relationship breakdown, and need some guidance and support, I encourage you to contact me so we can together carve the path to your own self-discovery. Email me at [email protected] or call 613-297-2925.